XVI

CLASSIFICATIONS

151. RECYCLE YOUR HIPSTER

PRETENSION: 2, His skills aren’t quite there

IRONY: 6, Hipsters hula-hooping, HA!

OCCUPATION: Preschool dance instructor

You can accuse hipsters of being a lot of things: indifferent to current events, vain, alcoholics, fiscally-irresponsible, fart-sniffers, etc. But at least they recycle...80’s fashion trends that is. So what if the rest of us have purged headbands, feather-cuts, and cocaine-chic mustaches from our memories?

PRETENSION: 8, Recycling is like in, man

IRONY: 7, The 80’s trend is waning...finally

OCCUPATION: Recycled trendoids

152. BAVARIAN WARHOL HIPSTER

“Das unt Warhol look good, yah?”

Our advice is to just nod your head in agreement. German hipsters take everything rather seriously. The last thing you want to do is inspire some buried Nazi gene from initiating a final solution for all non-hipsters.

PRETENSION: 5, Coming at you from the Fatherland

IRONY: 5, He has Green Card issues, looking for US wife

OCCUPATION: Kraut lounge singer

153. RETAIL THERAPY HIPSTER

Hipsters tend to be a downtrodden sort in spite of their relative affluence compared to say a Darfur orphan. The woes of their “dues paying” graphic design jobs or barista-blistered hands make their fedora crowns heavy. Unlike the Darfurian with an empty rice bowl, hipsters can always rock their Mastercard to buy those acid-washed white denims.

PRETENSION: 8, Life is so hard for this oppressed fellow

IRONY: 6, Compares his boss to the Janjaweed mercenaries
OCCUPATION: Graphic designster

154. CYLON HIPSTER POWER-UP

You read that right: CYLON. The Hipster Hunter watches Battlestar Addictica. And for your information, all hipsters are Cylons. They are machines disguised as people trying to destroy humanity for programming them to wear ridiculous clothes like suspenders with necktie headbands.

PRETENSION: 8, Disses most humans, just like a Cylon

IRONY: 0, He’s a machine, he doesn’t understand irony

OCCUPATION: Cylon hipster model 08

155. HIPSTER DEXTER

Everyone’s favorite Miami serial killer has a hipster cousin. Sure Baxter looks like your typical dude downing PBR cans in the alley behind his favorite indie-rock joint, but he’s got his own dark passenger. Baxter has already rid the city of thirteen bands who suck and are tainting the scene. To the shitty bands out there...quit while you still have a head.

PRETENSION: 0, He doesn’t have a conscience

IRONY: 8, He still obsesses over his indie wardrobe

OCCUPATION: Florist by day; Serial killer by night

156. HIPSTER GAYEST SHORTS-OFF

That’s right, sports fans. It’s that time of year where hipsters switch from testicle-numbing tight jeans to hideous jogging shorts their dads used during the 80’s marathon craze.

They are being judged in categories like Gayest Shorts, Palest Legs, and Most Scrotum Revealed. Best of luck, fellas!

PRETENSION: 9, You need a lot of gall to wear shorty shorts

IRONY: 8, The shorts are so ugly they are ironically chic

OCCUPATION: Olympics rejects

157. HIPSTER SENTIMENTS

You can’t argue with a hipster this reasoned and logical. Try and challenge his life’s direction and he’ll hit you back hard. KAPOWEE!

What’s your five-year plan? FUCK YOU...

Do you shop for pants at Baby Gap? FUCK YOU...

Is Arcade Fire still indie or mainstream now?

FUCK YOU...

Wanna bump of yay? YOU’RE COOL!

Sorry, dude. Just ran out. FUCK YOU...

PRETENSION: 9, Big time

IRONY: 7, The ink leaked into his bloodstream

OCCUPATION: Hater

158. FREDDY KRUEGER - PETE WENTZ BASTARD HIPSTER

Your worst nightmare has come true. Just when you thought Freddy was finally dead, his demon seed sprouted in one of his surviving victims. Teenage Pete Wentz and his high school band Pompous Ruckus were slowly picked off by Freddy in their sleep. By the time the band was ready to sign a record contract, only Pete was left. The evil truth is that not only did Freddy let Pete go impregnated, but he became the manager of the soon to be renamed FALLOUT BOY. Now Freddy has his bastard hipster love child to haunt your dreams and your eardrums.

PRETENSION: 6, He’s the son of two arrogant ego monsters

IRONY: 7, His knife-glove appears at the most embarrassing moments

OCCUPATION: Half-dead indie-popstar

159. HUNKY HIPSTER DREAMBOATS

It’s like an episode of Gossip Girl. Three hipster dreamboats show up at an outdoor festival wearing their Tuesday best. Three fabulous foxes happen to be there for “girl-time”. All it takes is one “Hello” and there’s easily an episode worth of tangled lies, betrayal and drunken lip-locking. Will Chaz call Emily after she gave it up on the first date? Is Rufus really bi or just pretending to impress Sheila? What is that stain on Anthony’s hat? Tune in next week to find out.