CLASSIFICATIONS

Inspired by the cruelty and fashion sense of fictional oil man daniel plainview,  This 21st century hipster prospector mines for irony in the hills of hollywood.  He will most likely destroy the community in his efforts to satisfy his lust for what’s kitschy kool.


PRETENSION: 9

IRONY: Closed 25.6 on the nasdaq

OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur of misery

111. THERE WILL BE BLOODSTER

This post is a personal vendetta: this turd with a mustache cut in front of me...on a powder day!  While decent folks waited, he cut the line while chugging his $6 starbucks crapuccino, and begging his dad on the cell to pay his rent again.

PRETENSION: 5, Helmet keeps ego in check

IRONY: 9, He’s a terrible snowboarder

OCCUPATION: Snowboard bum

112. SNOWBOARDSTER

The scariest movie of the summer will not be Hellboy 2.  No sir, it will be about a dept. store mannequin that reanimates and slays anyone not dressed in hipster attire.  WARNING: this film is sure to frighten small children and outrage the religious right.

PRETENSION: 0 When inanimate, 10 when alive

IRONY: 10, If you think different...then die!

OCCUPATION: Homicidal window dressing

113. RISE OF THE MANNEQUIN HIPSTERS

This vet in the Fingerless gloves, skull cap and ‘Nam coat is not to be fucked with.  His gold teeth bite through steel, bone and flesh of young whorepsters.  newspapers say he’s killed off chicago hipsters by the baker’s dozen, leaving a tecate can behind as his calling card.  Some call him a monster, yet a few progressives think he’s an unsung hero...like Dexter with poor hygiene.


PRETENSION: 1, Too drunk to care

IRONY: 7, Serial killers are like so ironic

OCCUPATION: Veterans’ pension

114. SERIAL KILLER HIPSTER

Saint Patty’s day was filled with all sorts of drunkenly hipster debaucheries.  Green vomit soaked tight Levi’s was a common sight.  But things reached a new level of retarded pretension when the double-fisting leprechaun hipster came out to play.  no witness will ever forget him grinding his tiny manhood up against anything with a vagina.


PRETENSION: 10, Curse of the irish

IRONY: 10, Leprechaun do exist

OCCUPATION: Sold pot of gold for beer $$

115. JIG-DANCING LEPRECHAUNSTER

Saint Patty’s Day has come and gone, but this rare spaceman specimen had to have his moment.  You see, Back on uranus every man, woman and child is a green douchey hipster.   Sadly their world has now run out of resources like cheap beer, cigarettes and herpes cream.  But don’t worry...I’ve already alerted immigration about this illegal alien chach-monkey.


PRETENSION: n/a -  Earth not capable of registering level

IRONY: 10,000 light-years worth

OCCUPATION: Intergalactic clown

116. LEPRECHAUN FROM URANUS

William Hipspeare is the most famous playwright from the quaint hamlet of Silverlake upon Los Feliz.  He can usually be found in the afternoon sipping diet cokes at ye olde coffee shop.  He’s written countless classics including “Coke Merchant of Venice” and “Taming of the Whorepster”.  Hipspeare’s just completing his masterpiece: “Dougherty & Winehouse”, the hipster sequel to “Romeo & Juliet” about star crossed lovers who O.D. not for love, but for the sake of irony.


PRETENSION: 10, He’s the most famous author in hipstory

IRONY: 7, Has never published his work

OCCUPATION: Playwright/busboy

117. WILLIAM HIPSPEARE

118. HIPSTER JEANS VS. HIP HOP JEANS

119. 40 OZ. HIPSTER

This hipster’s getting his “40 Ounces to freedom” Sublime on.  And why not?  He lives a hard life, what with his folks paying his rent so he can intern at an indie record label.  So when the weekend rolls around you better believe he’s earned his suds.

PRETENSION: 10, Intern is only 7 levels from producer

IRONY: 10, Intern is  7 long levels from producer

OCCUPATION: Intern at Pretensuous Records

120. DRUNK HIPSTERS AND COPS DON’T MIX

You’d think that by now hipsters would know not to taunt cops when they’re “swallow my own tongue for irony” drunk.  But time and time again, repressed adolescent rage revs up and they got something to prove... usually “Hey! My face does look better with chunks of pavement in it.”

PRETENSION: 1, Ego is officially in check

IRONY: 0, Alcoholism is not a laughing matter

OCCUPATION: Young drunk vs. strong arm of the law