CLASSIFICATIONS

121. RESERVOIR HIPSTERS

Quentin Tarantino’s back with a current take on his cult classic.  Sure “Reservoir Dogs” had great dialogue, actors and character names... Mr. Blond, c’mon!  But this film’s cast is all hipsters in ironic t-shirts and tight jeans.  They’re WAY more convincing as slick-talking thieves and killers than Harvey Keitel or Michael Madsen.

PRETENSION: 8, This is low budget artistic shit

IRONY: 6, Budget was still more than $20 million

OCCUPATION: Indie-film bank robbers

Sex appeal is something you are born with...or not.  Now thanks to recent innovations in fashion science, anyone can be smothered in the affections of multiple blonde bar tramps.  You gotta go hipster: fedora, tight pants that sag, and a wool sweater around the neck.  For best results, rock all 3. Now Go get ‘em, killer!

PRETENSION: 7, God’s gift to women...loose women

IRONY: 5, A year ago the only female calling was mommy

OCCUPATION: Motivational hipster

122. HIPSTER LOVE SANDWICH

Every hipster Dj takes that song “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” way too literally.  Granted, music has the power to inspire, but seriously guys. Mixing a mashup of the White Stripes “Seven Nation Army” and Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up” hardly constitutes amazing grace.

PRETENSION: 10,000 strong vinyl collection

IRONY: 7, They all work day jobs they hate

OCCUPATION: Disc jockeys...not higher powers

123. HIPSTER DJ GOD COMPLEX

124. HIPSTER SUPER-VILLAINS: MACHISMOHAWK & SCARF BOY

Where is hipster superhero Ironicus when you need him?  These two dastardly super-villains have crashed yet another party with an open bar and are drinking all the promotional red bull and vodkas!  If someone doesn’t stop them soon, The whole party will clear out when the free booze runs dry.


PRETENSION: 5, Actually think they’re evil geniuses

IRONY: 8, live in Machismohawk’s mommy’s basement

OCCUPATION: Masterminds of pyramid scheme to monopolize the world’s beer supply...with no luck thus far

125. APRIL FOOLSTER

NEWSFLASH! Nothing is cooler in the

uber-finicky hipster scene then a guy in his 40’s rocking an elvis getup with a can of PBR for authenticity.  April fools!  We took a poll among the most influential hipsters out there and they’ve decreed that if you resemble this guy in anyway, you best stick to piano lounges and country club bars. 


PRETENSION: 7, It takes guts wearing something this garish

IRONY: 9, He just doesn’t get it

OCCUPATION: Elvis impersonator

126. RODEO HIPSTER

If you wanna ride...

Ride the white pony. 


The urban rodeo hipster on the left sure does with his bow-legged, crotch-thrusting lasso-groove.  Watch as he expertly ropes this girl’s hearts and loins like a cowboy on the open range.  The Marlboro man ain’t got shit on this sex machine.


PRETENSION: 6, side effects of riding the white pony

IRONY: 3, man of few words,but plenty of grunts

OCCUPATION: Rodeo clown

127. FABIO HIPSTER

“I can’t believe it’s not Pabst Blue Ribbon!” 


...Or so says Fabio’s bastard hipster son Flavio.  Like papa Fabio, Flavio also makes his money posing shirtless for supermarket romance novel covers.  But unlike his dad who blew his fortune battling wild geese on roller coasters, Flavio spends his cash the old fashion way...up his nose.


PRETENSION: 8, male models are the worst

IRONY: 5, can barely read, but he has people for that

OCCUPATION: Lives off dad’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter residuals

128. HIPSPORTS FANATIC

129. SUDS SUCKING STUDSTER

This skullcap-sporting hipster truly believes that he’s god’s gift to women.  Beware of his uncanny ability to look right through you as if you were worth less than a piece of half-chewed bubble gum under his pradalicious shoes.  It’s nothing personal, he just thinks he’s better than you...and me...even Jesus, Allah & Buddah.   


PRETENSION: 10 Gazillion and rising

IRONY: 8, He’s more shallow than a blowup kiddie pool

OCCUPATION: Professional hater

130. BEELZEBUBSTER

Behold the most fearsome hipster-beast among Satan’s throng of ironic half-breeds.  He is Part-man, part-goat: pure evil.  His foot-long goatee will haunt your dreams; his glowing red eyes will consume your soul; his bloated sense of entitlement will bore you to death!   

PRETENSION: 6, 2nd Assistant to Satan

IRONY: 5, From Valley Village of the damned

OCCUPATION: Servant of Satan