GLOSSARY
21 HIP STREET
Modern take on the classic 80’s cop show about young hip-looking cops who pose undercover as hipsters to target the scene’s drug, fashion and music crime.
“ “21 Hip Street” is like so accurate to real life on the hipster street, just like “The Wire” is just like real-life Baltimore.”
BABYSITSTER
This is a tricky fells. Not too hot, not too old, not too young. Basically, let wifey do the hiring.
“Joely and Richard hired this au pair from Belgium, but she didn’t work out. So, they just hired a babysitser from the neighborhood. I smell trouble.”
CLASSIC HIPSTER
Hipsters are everywhere and they are everyones’ problem. Feel your pants tightening? Your whole outfit becoming a spectacle? You can thank the hipsters for their ironic contribution to the world of fashion, music, and whatever else they hate du jour.
COURT HIPSTER
No medieval court was complete without a court jester; modern Scandinavian royal courts have hipsters to entertain them with esoteric statements.
“King Sven called in his court hipster to entertain visiting Prime Minister Gordon Brown who was left baffled by references to vampire weekend.”
GOTHSTER
Just like the ravers, goths have also absorbed by the hipsters google-sized abyss. Goths brooding outlook already puts them at an advantage with their dark new partnership.
HEPSTER CAT
The coolest of the cool hipster trying to be ironic throwbacks to the hep cats of the 1940’s.
“I thought that Hep cats were extinct until I saw some modern day hepster cats
swing-dancing in their snazzy tight pants.”
HERPSTER
Hipster love is usually so hot it burns you twice...usually in the form of a cold sore, warts or painful urination. Thanks Craigslist casual encounters!
HIP ‘N SLIDE
When hipsters bust out a slip ‘n slide at a party and grease it up with light beer.
“Did you see the aerial billy pulled when he flew off the hip ‘n slide?”
HIPCELERY
The kitchiest, most indie-rock part of the produce department.
“I love spreading ironically nutty peanut butter over my hipcelery, then placing radical raisins to make dudes on a bench, the hipster version of ants on a log.”
HIPCENTENIAL
Many years from now when the hipsters completely take control of the human race they will celebrate 100 years of dominance upon our graves.
“Man, like, the hipcentenial will be so deck! I hear the beer-bots will pouring PBR and dissing everything they see.”
HIPCLERGY
A priest, preacher or monk who is hipster-inclined.
“Man, the oasis church hipclergy have taught the skater kids that Jesus was a cool guy who would
HIPCYBORG
1/2 man, 1/2 machine, all hipster.
“You better be armed with plenty of PBR to fight off the hipcyborg invasion. Short circuit their thirst with plastic bottle whiskey.” probably be a hipster if he were reborn today. Amen!”
HIPHAMSTER
When a hipster trains his or her hamster to consume beer, cigarettes and pharmaceuticals.
“Jerry’s hiphamster looked so funny trying to run on the wheel after we made it drink a
six-pack of beer.”
HIPSCOTCH
Hop scotch when hipsters drunk on scotch do it inside invisible squares.
“Jerry’s bar is always packed on Tuesdays when they have hipscotch tournaments.”
HIPSPIRATION
It’s rare, but even hipsters can be inspired by some things that are usually mundane like a half-smoked Marlboro light 100 they find in the dive bar ashtray.
“Mom, I don’t care if I’ve spent all summer watching Buffy DVDs. I’ll get off the couch when I find some hipspiration!”
HIPSPORTS
Sports enjoyed only by hipsterlympians that are poor competitively, but rich with ironic 80’s tracksuits.
“Ultimate frisbee and bike messenger polo are hipsports famed for their cheeky tradition.”
HIPSTABILITY
Even hipsters need stability, especially the ones who they claim their chaotic life contributes to their artistic disposition.
“Buying myself a prius with no money down gave me a feeling of hipstability. I am the american dream...revised.”
HIPSTACHIO
The most delicious nut you’ve never heard of.
“Unlike sell out nuts like almonds and pecans, hipstachios are still underground and only like five people eat them.”
HIPSTADIUM
The coolest stadiums in the world according to hipsters, which are usually in extreme disrepair and totally ripe for gentrification.
“The only venue big enough to fit all the hipsters keen to see Grandpa hipster Michael Stipe and REM would be the hipstadium in the ghetto by the airport.”
HIPSTAGNATION
When hipsters spend all day at a coffee shop discussing all the great shit they’re gonna do rather than downing their coffee, stubbing out their cigarette and doing it.
“I moved to new york to be somebody, but i ended up spending three years wallowing in empty beer cans and hipstagnation.”
HIPSTAIN
The remnants of hipster indiscretions often found on couch cushions, the back seat of a Prius or in a toilet stall.
“Not even bleach can remove the hipstain Dave left on my roommate’s bed after he tagged that whorepster he brought home to our after party.”
HIPSTAIRS
Hipsters are too cool to take the elevator so they always take the stairs, even up 30 flights of steps.
“For once I wish the elevator was working because my tight-panted legs are too tired to climb up these hipstairs.”
HIPSTALAGTITE
Irony-rich deposits that drip from the ceilings of hipster watering holes.
“Last time I was in the Little Joy, hipstalagtites formed from filthy hipster sweat were dripping all over me and ate holes in my favorite Ed Hardy shirt!”
HIPSTALPHABET:
A secret hipster alphabet created to prevent mainstreamers from being able to decipher where the underground after-parties are on flyers.
“Luckily I studied the hipstalphabet in college or we would have been looking for Gina’s loft party all night long.”
HIPSTALONE
Old man Rambo has a son who went totally hipster and now treats Williamsburg like his personal playground.
“You’re acting pretty hipstalone with those tight black Levis, fedora and boxing gloves, Rocky.”
HIPSTAMINA
The assload of energy required to keep up with hipsters on crack.
“I wasn’t sure if I would have the hipstamina to dance all night to that same CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YEAH song.”
HIPSTAMPEDE
When too many hipsters crowd into a confined space rush out simultaneously, usually at the exact moment a band goes too mainstream.
“You should have seen the hipstampede right out of Spaceland the moment My Soggy Donut announced they are opening up for The New Kids on the Block reunion tour.”
HIPSTAND OUT
A rarefied moment when one stands out among usually judgmental and unimpressed hipsters.
“I think that Christmas cardigan will make you a hipstandout at Toby’s ugly sweater party.”
HIPSTANDARD
The quantifiable measurement of how hipster a person or thing is determined to be by a hipster committee.
“Joe holds his friends and the height of their faux-hawks to a higher hipstandard than most, which is why he’s such a sexy manwhore.”
HIPSTANTANOPLE
The forgotten city where hipsters 1000 years ago dwelled in relative peace and prosperity before pretentious pestilence wiped out this civilization.
“Archeology Professor McDougal discovered a rare antiquity during his recent Hipstantanople excavation: an ancient beer can.”
HIPSTAR WARS
The war started by the Hipster Empire against the rest of humanity who don’t subscribe to their sarcastic ideals.
“Unless you embrace the ironic side, the Hipster Empire will destroy via their Hipstar Wars.”
HIPSTARBOARD
The right side of a sailing boat that is captained by a hipster.
“Ahoy there matey, there be some vile harpies off the hipstarboard bow!”
HIPSTARBUCKS
Any corporate-owned coffee shop that pretends to be a local alternative to the global monster found in most airports around the world.
“Seattle’s Best Coffee and Peet’s are clever at appearing to be Hipstarbucks, yet they are just as corporatey and also exploit 3rd world farmers for their coffee beans.”
HIPSTARIUM
Any venue that becomes a virtual fishbowl of hipsters where mere mortals can mix and swing with their hipster counterparts. Beware the roving hipster blob that threatens to consume and convert the average Joe or Jo into a minister of cool now called Johann or Josey, respectively.
“That bar ‘such and such’ in Atwater Village used to be so divey and chill. Now it’s a total hipstarium.”
HIPSTAROUSEL
It looks like your average carnival ride, but a steady dose of T Rex, Iggy Pop, and Franz Ferdinand playing on the P.A. sets it apart from your nephew’s horsey joyride.
“I hear Sunset Junction might have a hipstarousel this year. Sick.”
HIPSTARROGANT
Hipsters vanity when it’s taken to bloated levels of self-importance.
“Flavio is the most hipstarrogant model I’ve ever met with his entourage of alcoholic low-lives in tight pants.”
HIPSTARRY NIGHT
When an enchanted starry evening is complimented by the company of hipsters who validate it with sarcastic commentary.
“I realized it was a hipstarry night when Rod and Mischa blasted DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE from their loft rooftop while drinking a case of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine.”
HIPSTARTLE
Taking a hipster by surprise.
“Jonas was hipstartled when his roommate walked in on him pleasing himself to the Vice Magazine photo spread.”
HIPSTARVATION
A hipster lifestyle of beer and stale popcorn lacks the proper nutrients that prevent osteoporosis or scurvy.
“Johnny is on the verge of hipstarvation after touring with his band across the Pacific Northwest.”
HIPSTASIS
A sense of stagnation set upon by sedentary loafing on a barstool.
“We lost poor Miguel at the Steve Aoki show to hipstasis so we just went out and danced our asses off.”
HIPSTATELY
When a hipster carries themselves in a regal manner.
“I swear Ronnie thinks himself a hipstately prince Hipster the way he wears his fedora like a crown.”
HIPSTATISTICS
Statistics gathered for the purpose of making sense of hipsters lifestyles and passions.
“To understand the hipster culture, one must only look at the hipstatistics such as how much beer is consumed per household.”
HIPSTATUS
Where a hipster stands in relation to their ironic community.
“I’m not sure you can be in this coffee shop considering your low level hipstatus. I mean I can barely see your package under those jeans!”
HIPSTAUNCH REPUBLICAN
Believe it or not, there are a few hipsters fiercely loyal to the G.O.P. WIth Ron Paul gone, Mccain is in.
“Vincent Gallo hosted his fellow hipstaunch Republicans, serving Pabst Blue Ribbon and spamburgers at his $15-a-plate John McCain fundraiser.”
HIPSTATION
When hipsteritus sets in and gestates in ones body, usually a sign the patient has been lost and must be put down.
“After Corey’s exposure to the roving band of hipsters, hipstation set in and before long he was one of them and had to be destroyed.”
HIPSTATUTORY RAPE
When a whorepster says she’s 18, you best ask to see her ID because 15 gets you 20.
“Tino thought he was so cool when he was banging that cute high school hipster chick until her parents found out and charged him with hipstatutory rape.”
HIPSTEADY
When a hipster is calm and orderly, a rarity when alcohol is involved.
“The only way we’re going to be hipsteady enough to build this house of cards is by laying off the coffee for the next month.”
HIPSTEAL
When one hipster steals from another, usually right underneath their nose.
“Slick moves, Ace. I saw you hipsteal the last line of blow while Carlos was busy telling everyone the story about his first vibrating pen.”
HIPSTEALTH
A hipster’s ability to sneak by unnoticed, usually thanks to tight clothing and being light in the loafers.
“Those were some seriously hipstealth moves you used to break into your ex-girlfriends apartment.”
HIPSTEAMBOAT GAMBLING
When Mississippi hipsters take over old riverboat gambling boats and turn them into a late night happening authorities can’t hassle.
“Dude, Saturday night I was hipsteamboat gambling on the river and lost my entire collection of hats going all in on a game of quarters!”
HIPSTEARTHQUAKE
Tectonic plates suddenly move from the accumulated pretension of too many hipsters simultaneously talking about their favorite local bands.
“The Winchester lofts sort of just crumbled to the ground from the hipstearthquake caused at Natalia’s loft after-party.”
HIPSTEEPLE
The tops of the groovy churches frequented by Jesus freaks in tight pants and hats.
“I could feel my soul rise through the ceiling and past the hipsteeple when Reverend Barry started playing the guitar ballad to signify my man J.C.’s. struggle against evil.”
HIPSTEER
A herding cow dressed with a porkpie hat and has an obsession with how its udders look on camera.
“That hipsteer is the most ironic cow I have ever met. It’s almost like it’s black spots were painted on its hide for kitsch factor.”
HIPSTEGOSAURUS
By far the most funky and ironic beast from the Jurassic period.
“I heard that Todd got himself a miniature hipstegosaurus to walk around the Silverlake dog park.”
HIPSTELETTO HEELS
When whorepsters shop for shoes in the Good Will Bargain Bin and buys an ugly pair of heels, circa 1987.
“Rosie couldn’t decide between the hooker boots and the hipstiletto heels to complete the skankily ironic look she was going for.”
HIPSTENOGRAPHY
Shorthand hipster communication like: OMFG! & Ridic.
“I needed a glossary to interpret the hipstenography written on Sheila’s esoteric hipster blog.”
HIPSTENSATIONAL
When hipster culture births something sensational.
“Did you see Jason’s latest invention, the automatic beer opener? It’s hipstensational!”
HIPSTER BLUES
The somber music hipsters listen to when they’re feeling low.
“Stevie Ray Vaughnster knows exactly how I feel when he to plays the hipster blues.”
THE HIPSTER BOWL
The biggest day in hipster sports where the finest hipsterlympians play their ironic little hearts out.
“No one was more surprised than me to watch Drake score a touchdown at the hipster bowl after downing a whole case of PBR.”
HIPSTER CRACK
Yes, that’s right. Hipster crack. These hipsters have taken the whole tight pants thing so far they’re buying jeans at baby gap. The result is a delightful display more commonly associated with plumbers.
HIPSTER HA HA
On the rare occasion something is funny enough to make a jaded hipster laugh.
“I totally had a hipster ha ha moment when I heard that Jethro’s tight corduroy pants caught on fire while he was rollerblading.”
HIPSTER HAVEN
Shockingly, hipsters are treated like 2nd class citizens in some places. That’s why there are havens for lost, confused hipsters to rest their drunken bones.
“When Holt was traveling through the dangerous hippie country of Colorado, he had to take refuge in a hipster haven for fear of getting his faux-hawk scalped.”
THE HIPSTER HIPSTER SHAKE
This dance move is similar to the hippie hippie shake, but a whole lot more self aware and done to evoke irony.
“Sarah is the master of the hipster hipster shake. She just shakes her head back and forth all night in disgust.”
HIPSTER HOP
A mashup of indie rock and old school hip hop generally heard in between live sets of whiny emo rock.
HIPSTER HO DOWN
Hipsters don’t square dance per se, but they sure can burn the barn down with their signature emo jigs.
“I was scared my clothes weren’t hip enough for Williamsburg until I got invited to a hipster ho down where everyone loved my pink spandex assless chaps.”
HIPSTER HOLIDAY
Most hipsters are godless liberals who choose not to pray to Jesus, but worship lesser gods like Pete Dougherty and Blake Fielder-Civil.
“While my co-workers visited their families back home, I went on a hipster holiday where I drank four cases of PBR and smoked a carton of parliaments.”
HIPSTER HOP
A mashup of indie rock and old school hip hop Generally heard in between live sets of whiny emo rock. A pox on the house of he who says hipsters aren’t well-rounded!
HIPSTER LOVE
Even Hipsters can find true love...among their own ranks. Sorry you silk-striped shirts from Manhattan and Santa Monica. S.O.L.
HIPSTER MAFIA
Everyone’s got ‘em now. The gays, the lesbians, the Chechnyans. This particular group of homogeneous organizers will not only buy up all the great real estate, but they will have babies born with cooler haircuts than you will ever have.
HIPSTER MAGIC
The wizardry magic of harry potter lore is so lame and mainstream. Hipsters in the know practice a form of magic so obscure it hasn’t even been invented yet.
HIPSTER ON WHEELS
You have to be a real square to get around town in something as lame as a car. A real hipster prefers two wheels, tight jeans and knock-off raybans. Without a comb over, why bother?
HIPSTER PROFILING
Hipsters just can’t get a break in some neighborhoods: the landlords won’t rent to them, grocers won’t sell to them, and cops will harass any arrogant dude in tight pants.
“I swear, my Polish neighbors are so prejudiced. I’m like a total victim of hipster profiling!”
HIPSTER REPLACEMENT
Much like a broken hip, sometimes when a hipster gets old, like over 30, they deteriorate from all the booze and blow and thus need to be replaced.
“Ever since our group got a hipster replacement and traded out scuzzy old steve for that cute 20-year-old Chick that rocks the belt over t-shirt look, we’ve reached a new height in cool.”
HIPSTER THEME PARK
Williamburg, Silverlake, Camden Town, etc. all belong to the hipsters who frolic together in uniform nonconformity.
HIPSTERECTOMY
The hypothetical operation ridding an individual (male or female) of their hipper-than-thou attitude.“That faux-hawked skank better stop staring at me, or i’m gonna walk over there an give her a hipsterectomy. wait, is that belinda?”
HIPSTERAZZI
Cobrasnake and the many wannabes jockey for position of king of alternative portraits. May the best hipster win!
HIPSTERBILLIES
Southern hipsters that fled the likes of Nashville, Athens, and Richmond and headed for the hills.
“My buddies and I were on a canoe trip in the tennessee sticks when we were accosted by a pack of psychotic hipsterbillies! To this day, my ass has never been the same.”
HIPSTERBOLE
A hipsterized exaggeration. Examples:
“Brooklyn is the center of the Universe.”
“My labradoodle only eats once a week.”
“If you want really good mole, you have to go to Oaxaca.”
HIPSTERCRITE
Any hipster who claims to be one thing in an effort to be cool, but then does the opposite.
“Can you believe that hipstercrite Cash was talking all that bullshit about being vegan and then we catch him in the closet eating a steak with a bottle of vaseline?”
HISPSTERDAMUS
The greatest hipster prophet who knows of all of the coolest parties and events before they happen.
“Joel is a total hipsterdamus. He knew Ashlee’s fete would be off the hook. I mean he’s like psychic or something.”
HIPSPURT
A sudden growth in a hipster’s size, whether that’s an expanding waist from a strict beer diet or a hipsteen growing into his nut-hugger jeans.
“I’m embarrassed to admit this, but that Amy Winehouse porno gave me a little hipspurt, if you know what I mean.”
HIPSTERDEMIC
When an entire neighborhood is totally infested with hipsters and there’s nothing you can do but watch in horror and denial.
“Grandpa, tell us again about The great hipsterdemic of 2009 when Williamsburg collapsed into the sea under the weight of empty beer cans and cigarette butts.”
HIPSTERDILLA
Quesedilla made with pretentious ingredients like mango, brie and candied walnuts.
“Bryan celebrated Cinco de Mayo Silverlake style with cans of Modelo and hipsterdillas that spilled all down the front of his Ed Hardy t-shirt.”
HIPSTERDROME
The most glorious enterprise ever conceived by man...if that man was drunk at an LCD Soundsystem show. It’s actually just a condemned converted warehouse down by the river where they throw totally deck art parties.
“Did you hear what happened to Stu at the hipsterdrome? He was dancing so hard in his tight pants that he cut off the circulation in his legs, fell over and broke that condom tree installation!”
HIPSTERECTOMY
Invasive brain surgery that lobotomizes the part of the brain where the hipster lobe resides. Usually authorized by concerned family members.
HIPSTEREO
When a hipster rigs his/her stereo up to play their whiny indie-rock tunes at the perfect pitch.
“Rudy’s hipstereo plays Arcade Fire songs way better than your crappy home stereo, plus it’s covered in rad stickers he picked up at the show.”
HIPSTEREOTYPE
The many carbon copy hipsters who mimic other hipsters in an effort to define themselves from the swarming sea of hipsters.
“Just because I’m wearing a fedora, skinny tie and a pair of Converse does not make me a hipstereotype!”
HIPSTERESY
Hipsters are notoriously secular and commit their own brand of heresy through ironic little “fuck you”s to any and all forms of “God”.
“Using the candle we stole from the church for our kinky sex acts on stage at the loft party was total hipsteresy.”
HIPSTERGONOMIC
When something is made comfortable to a hipster and provides back support.
“Sheila bought some hipstergonomic knee pads to avoid lower back pain while performing fellatio in indie-rock club toilet stalls.”
HIPSTERHERO
From kung fu disco to zombie-fighting hip hop, every generation has their own brand of superhero, hipsters are no exception.
“Hipsterhero Ironicus keeps our neighborhood safe with the principles of beer, irony and the gentrification way.”
HIPSTERHOLIC
Sadly most hipsters are also alcoholics, but the arrogance of youth has them believing blacking out on cheap beer and scotch is just a clever “fuck you!” to their parents.
“Being a hipsterholic in AA is tough, bro. Without the beer buzz most of my music collection kind of sucks.”
HIPSTERIAL KILLER
A hipster who kills not for bloodlust, but for irony.
“Tina became a hipsterial killer because she wanted to fit in with an avant garde troup of hipster mimes that terrorize the city by ‘boxing them in.’”
HIPSTERILE
The toxic nature of the hipster lifestyle sometimes leads to a low sperm count.
“After a decade drinking a case of cheap beer every night in close proximity to a speaker blasting indie-rock has left me hipsterile.”
HIPSTERITA
When hipsters make margaritas they usually substitute the tequila with Dewars and lime juice with nothing. Muy authentico!
“Davey had us over on Monday for hipsteritas and a Piñata, which turned out to be filled with condoms and cigarettes. Ole!”
HIPSTERITIC
A Heretic who dares to question the basic tenants of hipsterdom, like when the Jews questioned jesus during the spanish inquisition. If hipsters ever start their own indoctrinating religion, us regular folks better repent or run for the fucking hills!
HIPSTERIFICATION
When an ethnic or economically challenged area becomes too hip and/or ironic due to an enclave of pretentious young adults.
HIPSTERFITTI
Graffiti made by hipsters meant not as social protest, but as ironic social commentary.
“Cornelius’ hipsterfitti slogan “Drugs are gay!” spray-painted across the BI-GAY-LA headquarters was just so clever and ironic.”
HIPSTERICAL
A period of madness in one’s life where they find the sudden urge to dismiss, diss and piss on anyone or anything lacking in the same style of conformed nonconformity.
HIPSTERISHABLE
When items found in the hipster community have a short shelf life like muttonchops, bike shorts and bindles of blow.
“I wouldn’t take that hot pink headband on the camping trip if I were you. It’s more hipsterishable than Colour Me Badd in the 90’s.”
HIPSTERITUS
A highly contagious influenza that causes a severe tightening of the pants, involuntary comb overs, disdain for all that is popular and an inflated sense of self.
HIPSTERJOLES
Mexico City hipsters favorite kind of beans.
“Enrique loves eating hipsterjoles and ironic organic rice with his his morning cerveza.”
HIPSTERKHAN
Modern day Chakakahn, but way more indie. So indie in fact only her roommate has heard of her.
“I really was going to see the Hipsterkhan show at the Coffee Connection, but then I realized I didn’t want to.”
HIPSTERLICIOUS
In rare cases, hipsters are known to really like how some things taste, usually cheap beer or black-tar heroin.
“Have you eaten the acai berry pancakes at sophia’s vegan restaurant? They are totally hipsterlicious with a shot of dewars.”
HIPSTERLING SILVER
The most valuable precious metal in the hipster community. Gold is dead, platinum is gay, but hipsterling silver is the great uniter.
“The entire hipster economy is actually backed by a vault full of hipsterling silver in Williamsburg.”
HIPSTERLODEON
The newest MTV Networks channel dedicated to the hipster demographic with shows like DOUBLE DISS, REN & STEVIE, and SPOILEDBOY TIGHTPANTS.
“Dude, put on Hipsterlodeon. The Pete Dougherty’s preschool show is on. It’s the “Just Say Yes to Drugs, Kids” episode.”
HIPSTERLUDE
A moment between grandiose proclamations from a babbling hipster that is typically drunk.
“We were grateful for the hipsterlude between Andy’s soapbox speeches about the follies of the new beer tax and his plans to fight city hall.”
HIPSTERLUTION
A revolution on a hipster scale where all the cool kids take up a cause like Save-the-Methadone-Clinic!
“The hipsterlution will not be televised!”
HIPSTERYMPICS
Hipsters can be athletes too, right? Apparently. This sporty specimen is training in his tightest jeans and t-shirt uniform for some future touch football tournament. But seriously, dude. If you’re taking it seriously, why bother?
HIPSTERNICUS
The great hipster astronomer who discovered the constellation the Drunk Dude.
“Hipsternicus the greatest hipstronomer alive today has discovered an enormous roster of heavenly bodies...mostly belonging to whorepster groupies.”
HIPSTERNOMETRY
Trigonometric studies of the triangulation in hipster relationships.
“To understand the love triangle that is Rose, Scott and Tina would require some serious hipsternometry, and none of us is that smart.”
HIPSTERNOSIS
There are a few hipsters armed with the power of hypnosis. Warning to parents: They will secretly convert an entire generation of kids who will revolt against your loose panted ways.
“Dude! Brett totally used hipsternosis to get Pascal to buy him the case of PBR and that bottle of Dewars.”
HIPSTERNUM
the human sternum is remarkably resilient to blunt trauma, but most hipsters toxic lifestyles cause them to squash like an aluminum can when they are hit by a baseball bat.
“Lorax’s oh so fragile hipsternum protects his oh so emo heart.”
HIPSTEROIC
the selfless act of heroism from one hipster to another. Say you spent all your money at the thrift store, but you need a beer. By handing you over the $1.50 for the libation, I have committed a hipsteroic act. Your welcome!
HIPSTEROLIDAY
A trip to austin or elsewhere in the universe that signifies cool. This person quoted below is about to go on one:
“F’ that, Prague is so ’04. I just got a ticket to Helsinki. I heard it’s a great place to find inuit metal-working at cost.”
HIPSTEROPOLIS
Whether it’s Silverlake or Williamsburg, hipsters always stake out their own territories. It’s like manifest destiny with the pesky indians being the ethnic minorities their trust funds price out of the neighborhood.
HIPSTERPOTAMUS
The largest and certainly hippest water dwelling mammal found on land. They usually wear tiny porkpie hats they collect off the African hipsters they’ve stomped on.
“That baby shambles show totally rocked until that herd of hungry hungry hipsterpotamuses just had to eat the band!”
HIPSTERROR
The helpless emotion a non-hipster feels when surrounded by an army of hipsters who tear might them apart via judgmental disses.
“Jody nearly soiled her pantsuit in a fit of hipsterror when she got stuck in an elevator with a pack of hipster dudes who could have been a boy-band.”
HIPSTERSATION
A conversation between hipsters where they talk about obscure bands or compare ironic fashion tips.
“Tina and I kicked it in the dive bar all night having a hipstersation about whether the good will or salvation army is a better place to score kitschy t-shirts.”
HIPSTERTAKE MUSHROOMS
The most prized mushrooms at any farmers market, generally left in a bag to watch rot as a reminder of the fragility of life.
“Man these hipstertake mushrooms taste amazing in your organic vegan goulash!”
HIPSTERSTANK
Any hipster band that sells out like Hoobastank.
“I can’t listen to Pashmina Pashmina anymore because they went so hipsterstank ever since their song was used in that Grey’s Anatomy episode.”
HIPSTERSTAR GALACTICA
The last remnants of the Galactic Hipster Federation boarded a spaceship converted from a carnival cruise ship and now hurtle through space in search of the mythical planet Ironictur.
“All the greatest indie-rock acts left earth for the chance to play aboard the Hipsterstar Galactica.”
HIPSTERFARIAN
There’s a cannibal tribe in east Borneo that only eats hipster tourists marinated in
self-righteousness.
“The naive eco tourists made themselves at home in the quaint tribal village of the Ironikloompa, unaware these hipstertarian savages were about to cook them for lunch.”
HIPSTERTISING
When marketing to the hipster demographic you need must undersell the product by saying something irreverent, or better yet irrelevant.
“Nothing gets me off quite like jerking it to American Apparel’s hipstertising.”
HIPSTERTITUS C
The latest public health scare caused by promiscuous hipster behavior, known to cause color blindness, which results in fashion blindness.
“Pamela Anderson had it bad enough with hepatitis C, but then that lovable skank had an orgy with the entire Fallout Boy band and caught a nasty case of hipstertitus C to match.”
HIPSTERTOIRE
Capabilities hipsters bring to the table, usually making macchiatos, or dissecting the complexities of Arcade Fire songs.
“Kelly had to lay out her entire hipstertoire, from her art history degree to giving head in porta-potties in order to land the job at the coffee shop.”
HIPSTERTOSIS
Halitosis is bad enough without hipsters enhancing their toxic breath with stale beer, cigarette ash and last night’s regrets.
“When Shelly stumbled into the cafe still drunk, she opened her mouth and her hipstertosis killed the flowers on the table and my appetite.”
HIPSTERVISION
TV shows hipsters actually watch. e.g. Flight of the Conchords.
“I tried watching some hipstervision, but like everything was so mainstream and lame.”
HIPSTEW
A mixture of random food boiled together for hungry, unparticular hipsters .
“Sheila prepared a foul-tasting hipstew out of turnips, hot dogs and three-day old red wine that kept us fed for a whole week.”
HIPSTICK
Similar to an oil dipstick in a car, hipsters can measure the irony of any situation by poking people with the sharp end.
“Seamus poked people at the bar with his hipstick to make sure the vibe was deck enough before entering Little Joy.”
HIPSTICKLER
Uptight hipster who lives strictly by the hipster lifestyle and harshly judges those who don’t.
“Merryl is such a hipstickler for wearing hats. Not one of her friends has left the house in the last two years without at least a headband.”
HIPSTIMULANT
Uppers like meth, cocaine and triple-shot espressos that keep hipsters going all night long.
“After rocking out at a loft party last night ‘til 6am, it’ll take a every hipstimulant I can get my hands on to stay awake at work.”
HIPSTIMULUS CHECK
Every hipster curses President George W. Bush’s blunders including his tax cuts, yet they can’t spend their $600 on beer, t-shirts and sushi fast enough.
“I couldn’t afford this rhinestone studded denim vest without my hipstimulus check. I’ll let my grandkids worry about paying it all back.”
HIPSTINKY
When a hipster’s B.O. reaches critical mass.
“Roger and Dory were ripe and hipstinky after coming back from the Siren Festival. We had to hose them down before letting them in the indoors.”
HIPSTIPATION
When a hipster needs more roughage in their diet and less ramen and cheap beer.
“I haven’t dropped a healthy deuce since I moved to Brooklyn. Must be hipstipation.”
HIP-STIR CRAZY
When all the art supplies are gone, the ipod breaks and the whiskey bottle’s dry, vapid hipsters are forced to make old-fashioned conversation.
“I swear I was going hip-stir crazy when everyone stopped talking about my new faux-hawk. Fucking dicks.”
HIPSTIVIST
There actually are a few selfless hipsters who channel their efforts into social activism rather than figuring out new ways to sport their comb-overs.
“The only thing loggers in central park hate more than hippie activists is those self-righteous hipstivists with their tiny glasses and hats.”
HIPSTOCRACY
Hipsters practice their own form of democracy where the will of the people is secondary to the will of fashion.
“The Independent Republic of Williamsburg annexed itself from Brooklyn and became the first hipstocracy until they predictably ran out of food and had to reunify with New York.”
HIPSTODDLER
A young child born to hipster parents who dress their wee one in mini-fedoras and ironic jammies.
“When my hipstoddler shits his pants it is way more ironic than when your lame toddler wets the bed!”
HIPSTOGMATIC
Hipsters like to think of themselves as principled, even if that means just clinging tightly to their narcissistic nihilism.
“Ted was hipstogmatic in his appeal for us to accompany him to the supermarket to buy more whipcream for whippets.”
HIPSTOGRAPHY
When hipsters take photographs, they focus on the bleak, mundane, ironic subject matter, entirely eschewing aesthetics.
“Hipster porn is the worse because the histography always has the couple out of focus in the background, while you watch a close-up of a cigarette left to burn in an ashtray.”
HIPSTOLEN
When an item such as a fedora, beer can or girlfriend is stolen right out from under you.
“I knew I shouldn’t have brought my new girl Candy out to the loft party. She was hipstolen by Jasper the interpretive dancer.”
HIPSTOLICHNAYA
A new product from Stoli vodka that caters to the lowest common denominator...made from rubbing alcohol.
“Boris had the most kick-ass party with tons of whorepsters and three handles of hipstolichnaya everyone mixed with gatorade.”
HIPSTOMP
When hipsters break into Stomp-like drumming routines in, banging on road bicycles, alternative weekly newsboxes, or their own hollow heads.
“As soon as Lisa started banging on her notebook, everyone at the Coffee Table broke into a Hipstomp.”
HIPSTONIA
A small republic within the larger country of Estonia. This magical land has no gross national product but boasts the most coffee shops per capita anywhere in the world.
“I bought this gorgeous book of anti-establishment poetry written in a recycled leaf book while on vacation in estonia.”
HIPSTOOL SAMPLE
Doctors sometimes require stool samples to help them fight off the most severe cases of hipsteritus.
“When my pants suddenly were too tight and every shirt I owned evoked Irony, Dr. Dementio insisted I provide him with a hipstool sample.”
HIPSTOPERA
Every subculture has their own opera and none is so obscure, so self aware, so pretentious as the the hipster opera with its driving indie rock melody and chorus of falsetto junkies.
“R Kelly’s Trapped in the closet ain’t got shit on Jack White’s new hipstopera about a forbidden love affair he has with his guitar.”
HIPSTOPHAN
When you eat too much turkey the tryptophan can sing you a lullaby. Soak that bird in PBR and baste the gravy with blow and you got yourself a proper hipster Thanksgiving.
“I passed the fuck out at our orphan hipster thanksgiving when the hipstophan kicked after my fourth turkey and tonic.”
HIPSTOPLASTY
Cosmetic surgery indulged in by hipsters, usually faux-hawk extensions or tattoo removal.
“Tio looks like he belongs now after his hipstoplasty replaced his stupid rosy smile with that totally rad permo-smirk.”
HIPSTOPLIGHT
A stoplight covered in flyers for indie bands, stickers for indie websites, and an indie rocker leaning up against it.
“That Mercedes almost took out Joel who was leaning against the hipstoplight, rolling his own cigarette.”
HIPSTORDERLY
When hipsters behave and color in the lines.
“That’s it, Mikey. Lead the class out of the yoga class in a hipstorderly fashion.”
HIPSTOREHOUSE
Where hipster keep their prized goodies like a lifetime supply of Pabst Blue Ribbon won in a poetry slam competition.
“Do you mind checking the hipstorehouse for my collection of minimal Detroit techno records from the late 80’s?”
HIPSTOREO
An Oreo cookie when it’s enjoyed in an unexpected, ironic way like dipped into a whiskey sour or crumbled on top of fish.
“There’s nothing I like better after playing a show than a Hipstoreo shake mixed with crushed Valium. Yummers!”
HIPSTORIA
An area in Queens, NY that is so hip and ironic, it makes Williamsburg look like the Upper East Side.
“My new loft space in Hipstoria is so deck. I feel sorry for you Brooklyn kids who think it’s still 2005.”
HIPSTORICAL
A rare moment in history when something happens that is so significant, a hipster will actually acknowledge its significance. You know, like when that Pinkberry finally opened up down the street.
HIPSTORK
That mythical bird that delivers hipster babies to good hipster couples usually unmarried and underemployed.
“Bless the hipstork for dropping off a second bundle of joy, especially considering we’re already having trouble feeding the stork’s first bundle of joy. That bird’s a deadbeat.”
HIPSTORGANIC
An item used in everyday life that is completely and totally natural and likely recycled from the Lost and Found bin.
“This rolled cigarette tastes different, probably due to the hipstorganic salvia leaves added for flavor.”
HIPSTORGANIZE
A specific and impossible to comprehend method of organizing oneself not with alphabetical or Dewey Decimal System, but rather filing things by color, taste, and psycho-tropic effects on the brain.
“The only way you’re going to find those White Stripes tickets is if you hipstorganize your pad starting with the kitchen.”
HIPSTORIGAMI
The ancient hipster art of folding paper to create everyday shapes like beer cans, nerdy glasses, or a cocaine straw.
“You truly are a master of hipstorigami! You shaped little men that look spot on like the members of the Strokes.”
HIPSTORM
A tempest created by too many hipsters doing a drunken rain dance by accident.
“Joey’s house party created a hipstorm that made the emergency sprinklers rain on them.”
HIPSTORNAMENT
An ornament with no value to anyone besides those that appreciate the ironic kitsch value of items like a half-melted G.I. Joe.
“You have no idea how valuable that hipstornament is on E-Bay. You could get at least three bucks for that wind-up Hamburglar car.”
HIPSTORPHAN
When a bastard child of hipster parents ceases to be a chic accessory and is left to be raised by grandma while Mom and Dad spend their weeknights at after hours clubs.
“Poor Lucius became a hipstorphan after his mom left town to be the resident Baby Shambles groupie.”
HIPSTORRIBLE
When a hipster experiences something mainstream that they detest so much they can’t help but complain at full volume.
“That new Of Montreal album is so hipstorrible. Do those guys think they’re fooling anybody by pretending to be bonafide indie-rockers?”
HIPSTORTION
When a hipster has evidence of your wrongdoing and holds it over your head unless you pay them in free lattes at the coffee shop you work at.
“I can’t believe you’re threatening to tell my girlfriend about the girl I banged last night if I don’t give you the rest of this bag of blow. That’s hipstortion!”
HIPSTOURNALIST
The ultimate authority on hipster culture that documents the exploits of kids who love being observed like an animal at the zoo.
“I swear that Terry Richardson and his Vice Magazine photoshoots is the ultimate hipstournalist.”
HIPSTORTHODOX
A conservative, traditional hipster lifestyle where one abstains from work and lives on a strict diet of beer and Hot Pockets.
“I don’t think I have the discipline to live a historthodox was of life considering my vices like exercise and safe sex.”
HIPSTRACTION
Something that will distract a hipster from their task at hand like an ironic t-shirt, amazing mustache or a celebrity siting like Beck.
HIPSTRADER JOE’S
Any branch of the notable grocery that is populated (read: infested) by hipsters. “I’d drive to Arcadia before dealing with that Hipstrader Joe’s in Silver Lake”
HIPSTRAITOROUS
When a hipster turns his/her back on the hipster lifestyle in favor of fame, fortune, or a bag of speed.
“Stu was mighty hipstraitorous when he sold out by signing a record contract, wearing tailor made clothes, and not drinking himself to death.”
HIPSTRANDED
When you are out for a night with some hard-partying hipsters having too much fun at the after-after-party so you can’t just go home.
“I knew I should have driven to the Burning Man Decompression party rather than hitching a ride with Mischa the coke queen.”
HIPSTRANGLEHOLD
Sometimes a new hipster trend takes a stranglehold on popular culture and fashion.
“That whole tucking-tight-jeans-into-kneehigh-boots look has a hipstranglehold on every girl 18-40. God help us all.”
HIPSTRANSACTION
An exchange of good and services done on a black market level, usually orchestrated via craigslist.
“Can you believe I made a hipstransaction on myspace trading paypal money for weed?”
HIPSTRAP-ON
A device that levels the hipster playing field. Whether you’re male or female, taking or giving, everyone’s having a good time. If Tegan and Sara were lovers and not sisters, they’d probably use it. Hmmmmm....
HIPSTRATEGY
Despite the popular misconception that Hipsters are apathetic haters, the truth is it’s part of a subtle strategy for world dominat